INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.