Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Omg 🤣
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT