You Might Also Like
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
u spoke cat all this time??????
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.