Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
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My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My typo game is string.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*