hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
My dad teaching me to drive
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie