No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
You are what you delete.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat