[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Any refunds available?…
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.