Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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When someone trying to leave me
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
giddy up Office Depot
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views