[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
you will never know the true number of layers
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Now this is how you LinkedIn
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,