There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I mean…but I did
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.