her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
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If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Webb. James Webb.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.