Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
You Might Also Like
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
We’ve all been there
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets