Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.