My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I just tested negative for patience.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle