Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Match dot com, but for socks.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*