“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
just having fun
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.