Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said âif you want to be less anxious you need to worry lessâ so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Your call is very important to us, hereâs six days of irritating music.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
đ
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with âbut are you going to wear makeup?â
Have kids they saidâŚ
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best