America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.