Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
This headline is a thing of beauty
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog