Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My neck, my back, my…
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.