Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Weighing up my bread heating options
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”