Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Breaking news:
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.