Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
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The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
not to brag, but mine was free
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
See..?
.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My last name is Zilla.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.