God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Time for evil