She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
LMAO.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.