Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
You Might Also Like
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.