Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
anyone else like Italian cereal
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.