Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.