If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will