A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
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“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there