Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
White parent Vs Arab parents
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.