Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
my nickname in college
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
craving $300 all of a sudden
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.