Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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White parent Vs Arab parents
Don’t talk down to me
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.