Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Every time my phone rings
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
even bears disappoint their mothers
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them