“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice