Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken