[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
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Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Ah..makes sense now
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.