Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
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My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Somebody’s lying.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
You can’t rush stupid.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here