Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read