last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Thank you corporation very cool
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]