as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.