Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers