My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If you had more money you’d be happier.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank