“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
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John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.