Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
You Might Also Like
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
britain’s three elite institutions
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy