There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.