People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
doing your own taxes
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s