[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.