I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
You Might Also Like
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out