No laws when master is gone
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Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Running from your problems is cardio .
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.